'
Q
: What’s the same as half a loaf of bread?
A
: The other half . . . . .
Q
: What lights up a football stadium?
A
: A football match! . . . . .
Ref:
I’m sending you off
Player:
What for?
Ref:
The rest of the match! . . . . .
Q
: How does an eskimo build his home?
A
: Igloos it together!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do hens lay eggs?
A
: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . .
Q
: How do you join the police force?
A
: Handcuff them all together!! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?
A
: Every lunchtime it went back 4 seconds . . . . .
Q
: What part of a football ground is never the same?
A
: The changing rooms! . . . . .
Q
: Why are football players never asked for dinner?
A
: Because they’re always dribbling! . . . . .
Q
: How do toads fly?
A
: By hopper-craft!! . . . . .
Q
: How do ghosts open doors?
A
: They use skeleton keys . . . . .
Q
: Why did the chicken get sent off?
A
: For persistent fowl play! . . . . .
Q
: What sits in custard looking cross?
A
: Apple Grumble! . . . . .
Q
: What did the astronauts say about the eight-legged aliens?
A
: Don’t worry, they’re armless!! . . . . .
Q
: Why is it that birds are sold quickly in pet shops?
A
: They tend to go cheep! . . . . .
Q
: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A
: Didn’t have the guts . . . . .
Q
: How do toads fly?
A
: By hopper-craft!! . . . . .
Customer:
Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.
Waiter:
Don’t worry Sir, it’s not hot!! . . . . .
Q
: Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
A
: It was a boxer! . . . . .
Q
: How do ghosts open doors?
A
: They use skeleton keys . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a dog with no ears?
A
: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . .
Q
: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
A
: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . .
Q
: What sits in custard looking cross?
A
: Apple Grumble! . . . . .
Q
: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A
: A towel . . . . . Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days! . . . . .
Q
: What do you get when you cut a banana in half?
A
: A banana split! . . . . .
Q
: What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?
A
: We would have a pink carnation (car nation) . . . . .
Q
: Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
A
: All of them, a crossbar can’t jump! . . . . .
Q
: A man who worked in the butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?
A
: Meat . . . . .
Q
: What is in the middle of Paris?
A
: R . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: What did Zero say to the number 8?
A
: Nice belt . . . . .
Q
: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A
: To get to the Shell station! . . . . .
Q
: What are Brazilian fans called?
A
: Brazil nuts! . . . . .
Q
: What did Zero say to the number 8?
A
: Nice belt . . . . .
Q
: What lights up a football stadium?
A
: A football match! . . . . .
Q
: What is in the middle of Paris?
A
: R . . . . .
Q
: What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
A
: Nothing, it just gave a little whine!! . . . . .
Q
: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?
A
: Incorrectly . . . . .
Q
: Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?
A
: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk (beanstalk) . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a hungry lion about to attack you?
A
: Sir! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the gum cross the road?
A
: It was on the chicken’s foot . . . . .
Q
: What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football?
A
: Fiver side! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call an exploding monkey?
A
: A baBOOM! . . . . .
Q
: If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
A
: Wet . . . . .
Q
: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
A
: They might be cheetahs! . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: What do you give a sick pig?
A
: Oink-ment!! . . . . .
Q
: What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?
A
: We would have a pink carnation (car nation) . . . . .
Q
: What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?
A
: We would have a pink carnation (car nation) . . . . .
Q
: What do you call an Aardvark with a black eye and broken teeth?
A
: A Vark... . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs?
A
: A Wonkey! . . . . .
Q
: What kind of dog tells time?
A
: A watch dog. . . . . .
Q
: Why do elephants have trunks?
A
: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes. . . . . .
Q
: Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?
A
: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk (beanstalk) . . . . .
Q
: Why was the struggling manager seen shaking the club cat?
A
: To see if there was any more money in the kitty! . . . . .
Q
: How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
A
: Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! . . . . .
Q
: What kind of dog tells time?
A
: A watch dog. . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: What’s yellow and swings from one Christmas cake to another?
A
: Tarzipan!! . . . . .
Q
: How do you join the police force?
A
: Handcuff them all together!! . . . . .
Q
: Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden?
A
: Because he likes to Ho-Ho-Ho!! . . . . .
Q
: What are Brazilian fans called?
A
: Brazil nuts! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the gum cross the road?
A
: It was on the chicken’s foot . . . . .
Q
: What can you use to cut the sea?
A
: A sea-saw!! . . . . .
Q
: What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
A
: Nothing, it just gave a little whine!! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the chicken get sent off?
A
: For persistent fowl play! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A
: Douglas . . . . .
Q
: How do ghosts open doors?
A
: They use skeleton keys . . . . .